Scorn defeat

I stand defeated by ghosts
That were once my lively allies
I stand shunned by only myself
Yet I greet your warm smiles
As I dream of relief and redemption.

On the other hand....

...yeah, I will.

Sa-ti spun... ( Lord of chaos, let me sleep, space is deep)

...dar nu fugi? Eu nu stiu decat sa distrug. Te-ai intrebat de ce ti-am vorbit atata despre el. Numai tu stii daca ai vrut sau nu un raspuns (mai mult sau mai putin concret). E greu sa nu ramai impresionat cand intalnesti pe cineva care-ti seamana. Ei, tocmai asta e. Ma uit in ochii lui si stiu ca intelege niste treburi care nu au fost menite sa fie pricepute decat de noi. Noi doi, si inca ceilalti pe care pana acum nu i-am cunoscut. Noi am ales candva, demult, sa fim piromani. Sa dam foc sufletelor care nu ne vor apartine niciodata. Caci ce e o viata? Intr-o singura viata nimeni nu e al tau. Si o iau de la capat iar si iar si iar si iar si iar. Am obosit. Te iubesc, dar tu, daca nu iti dau ceva omenesc, vei alege sa pleci. E firesc. Nu ma supar. Nu vreau sa te calc in picioare, sa te servesc la tava cu cartofi copti, sa-ti ard sperantele odata cu un teanc din pagini din biblie. Dar sunt un animal, si inca unul care te poate zdrobi doar scrasnind din dintii mei tociti. Tragedia e ca daca tu nu ai grija, eu nici macar nu am sa-mi dau seama. M-am blazat din cauza timpului. Daca nimic nu poate schimba natura unui om, ce poate schimba natura unei bestii?

Si daca te intrebi ce-mi trece prin cap cand privesc in gol, iata ca Thomas Lindberg o spune mai bine decat as putea eu vreodata:


I am at the the gates but where are the keys
all I crave is to sleep
all I crave is to sleep
lord of chaos...

Somnul de pranz de duminica

Ce ti-e si cu dupa amiezele de duminica. Te bagi in pat, sub paturica cu o cartulie in mana ( in cazul meu The Chronicles of Amber), e cald, e bine, ti se incetoseaza privirea si adormi. Deh, trezit de dimineata, examene, porcarii.
Incepi sa visezi. Pe God of Disfigurement of course. Nu se poate altfel. Strazi intortocheate, case darapanate in care locuieste micul zeu ( cumva in toate, asa se intampla in lumea onirica :P), mizerie, boala si alte chestiii care iti aduc inspiratia. Plus un sentiment bizar de tristete. Bun. Numai ca la un moment dat ai senzatia ca te trage ceva din corp. "What the....", iti zici. Incerci sa tipi. Nu poti, evident. DUH! Dupa aia iti dai seama ce se intampla cu tine (asta cand ai impresia ca ai ajuns pe la tavan si incerci sa bagi degetele prin el) si iti spui "Bah tampito, e Sleep Paralysis, d-aia nu poti sa te misti si halucinezi ca plutesti prin camera. Da-te jos de pe tavan ca te ia mama dracu'!" Te "intorci" instantaneu in corp. Tot nu poti sa te misti. Ai impresia ca e ceva naspa cu tine in camera. Te concentrezi si te trezesti.
Concluzia? Asa-mi trebuie daca in loc sa ies sa imi beau mintile stau acasa si citesc. Bad, bad SvartKatt!

Despre ecsi

Calatorind in meandrele sufletului meu de entitate ultracomplexa, am avut o revelatie. Genu' ala de revelatie pe care o au femeile numai dupa sute de ore de terapie psihanalitica. E vorba de eternele intrebari pe care orice creatura cu constiinta si clitoris si le pune la momentul maturizarii emotionale. " Cum i-am ales pe barbatii din viata mea?" " De ce cu unii am stat 3 ani si cu altii 30 de minute?"
Ia sa vedem. Deci, motivele multiple pentru care am ales sa fac diverse schimburi (de fluide sau experienta) cu anumiti membri ai sexului opus:

1. Erau langa mine dupa ce bausem 5 beri.
2. Erau blonzi.
3. Citeau SF.
4. De la spate, aratau ca Ileana Cosanzeana
5. Ascultau Mayhem si/ sau Sodom
6. Aveau cicatrici si/sau tatuaje.
7. Erau pur si simplu, nevrotici.

Ei, acu-i acu. 1+2+3+4+6+7= 3 ani

Intrebarea e, daca indeplinea si conditia 5 era o vesnicie? Mai trebuie ceva in plus? In minus?
Bine, matematic, relatia mea cu sexul opus arata cam asa :

309842 x {80345-[98759+10853824-(93850930+a) x 54238902 +666]} - {abcd + bdca-[acdb +( cabd- dbac)- cbda]} = il ia dracu' daca nu stie piesele de pe Persecution Mania

Poveste

His hands were gripping the bottle tight as he was gazing at thecolorful and animated screen before him. The characters displayed, smalland markedly round ,unidentified animals, seemed to be a mockery ofhuman existence. Of his own existence. His mind was probably wanderingthrough a cemetery of love affairs, sighs and women with warmthighs. However, he was earthbound enough to notice the dancing green rabbits, orperhaps jaguars. He couldn't tell. Another thing he could have never realizedwas the terrible warning the ambiguous beings were sending tohumanity. For he himself was humanity in its utter love for mediocrity and dullcontemplation. He took another sip of wine and lit one of those foulsmelling cigarettes, reaching for the exit of the cemetery. It was enough forone evening. Disabling the "mute" function of the TV, the man burst intolaughter. The creatures were singing and their words of undying lovewere spreading through the smoke. In a peculiar way, his smell suddenlybecame sharp. The sweat and old perfume scent invaded his nostrils as hecould see that he never actually reached the gate of the graveyard. Therevelation that the gate was going to be out of his reach for eternitymade him tremble in fear and regret. In the stillness of rotten memoriesthere was one ghoul that kept wrapping him in her dry hair. Despite the strands cutting through his skin causing massive blood loss, the mannever glimpsed at the undead's face. He would not see, not hear, not touch. Herefused ,choosing to have an attempt to crawl beneath the sterileearth. The repetitive song of the animals was altering the wine flowingthrough his veins. It seemed to get louder and louder, almost commanding thesmoke into familiar shapes. Dizziness was slowly turning his bodynumb. The decaying hair was shutting his eye-lids. He couldn't have guessed itcould penetrate ground. The man chose not to scream in fear or pain, butto stop digging in hope that the ghoul would not sense his breath andshe would angrily return to her grave. But the sharp pain he could feelin his fingers told him that the undead was expecting just that. Shewas slowly dragging him above. The song had stopped, as the creatures knewthere was nobody out there to dance. The only thing left was an earpiercing silence. The man was desperately gripping her hair. He thought thatthe ghoul would force him to wake up from the labyrinth of funerarystones and thoughts. Split black ends were already making way through hisflesh. He finally screamed as loud as he could. The sounds turned thesight of dead trees and forgotten graves into bleak. Stillness was theultimate ruler of his surroundings. For one moment he could have sworn hewas at the center of Cosmos. But the battle drums he could hear were asign that he was not alone. There was also sound. The feeling ofdisintegration made him call for other beings. He felt as if a thousand winds weretearing his flesh to pieces. The sound shifted into anthropomorphousfigures. As he rose ,a woman was standing before him. Her face seemedquite familiar as it was smiling compassionate. He knew there were otherbeings behind her that would not dare come close. All he could see wereethereal shapes radiating a sound the man could associate with the colorblack. Through his darkened eyesight ,the man saw the woman trying tospeak. He then recognized the ever so familiar wrathful countenance:"For the death of one thousand archangels and for the birth of onebillion demons, you are damned to an eternity of non-existence."Sweat was dripping from the man's brow. The frenetic body dance hadstopped and warm, humid hands were tightly gripping his arms. His seed was now in her womb and her gaze instantly told him that her orgasm was satisfying enough. The woman rose and unintentionally whipped the man's face with her black dry hair, leaving thin reddish lines on his cheeks. Regaining his senses, he could hear a song about undying forgiveness.

Pulp- acum ceva ani

Batranul reusise cu greu sa deschida usa capelei.Mainile ii erau inghetate iar privirea ii era incetosata de amicul sau Polar.Se sprijini de peretele pe care il simtea scorojit,gafaind puternic din pricina efortului precedent.Recapatandu-si suflul observa ,cu parere de rau, ca pe catafaclc zaceau ,neglijent pozitionati, saptesprezece ani de feciorie.”Sa fiu al dracu’”, se gandi cersetorul, ” Astia mor din ce in ce mai tineri”.Apoi lua o dusca de vodka,varsand-o pe cea de-a doua in numele spiritului tinerei.Se clatina.Stia foarte bine pasii dansului acordat lui Bachus.Dar pana acuma nu auzise nimic nenatural.Niciun scancet venit din vreun colt intunecat,niciun demon scartaind a sange inocent.Numai ca acum un sunet ii intorcea stomacul pe dos,un sunet ce invoca imaginea unei guri uriase molfaind carne cruda,o imagine departe de adevarul ultim pe care avea sa-l cunoasca. Era pentru prima oara in zeci de ani cand ceva il obliga sa fie treaz.Era teama,teama de ceea ce urma sa apara ca o consecinta a zgomotului infundat.Inlemni si urina calda i se scurse pe piciorul batran si inghetat.Sentimentul de irealitate il invaluia,neputandu-si intoarce capul de la cadavrul din fata sa al carui pantece se umfla in convulsii.Rochia ieftina de mireasa se sfasiase lasand sa se vada pielea vanata intinsa pe burta perfect rotunda a raposatei.Trupul se ridica,pentru ca apoi sa se lase la loc pe catafalc intr-o unica si violenta miscare ce provoca expulzarea unui foetus diform,creat parca intr-un malevolent proces de hibridare intre un caine flamand si un copil suferind de rahitism.Grohaind,creatura incepu sa linga vaginul largit al fostei sale gazde.Horcaia si plescaia din ce in ce mai tare,incepand sa devoreze carnea moarta.Urechile,mari si moi,saltau in ritmul dansului macabru al progeniturii.Martorul ospatului erotic ramasese tintuit in pozitia unui foetus mort.Respirand sacadat,auzi cum usa masiva a capelei mortuare se deschide.Se stradui sa priveasca in directia acesteia,distingand o silueta feminina.Speranta de salvare se narui cand reusi sa observe miscarile nefiresti ale femeii.Aceasta adulmeca aerul si facu o grimasa aproape inumana,un ranjet ce denota scarba si triumf.Se apropie de ramasitele de pe catafalc si mangaie bestia ce inca molfaia pofticioasa un ovar.Animalul se ghemui la picioarele necunoscutei,oprindu-se din infruptat.
-Carnea moarta nu e buna pentru tine scumpete,glasui femeia si infasca creatura de ceafa,ghidand-o spre batran.